He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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