I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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