so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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