threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
