If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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