During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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