Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
