I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
