I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Alive.
So much puke
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
