They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
