Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
