I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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