I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
