she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
