I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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