Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
