ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have pet lesbian snakes
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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