I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
