i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
