she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
