I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
