I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
