i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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