you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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