sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
