I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
