I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
