you would pick up someone in the library
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
