I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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