when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
