Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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