you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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