I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The power of my boobs compel you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
