Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
