Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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