Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
