i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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