and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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