I puked a lego.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
