i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
