my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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