just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
