I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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