First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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