What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
