shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
