Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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