so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
