When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
