walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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