Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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