ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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