it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
