You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
