There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
