Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
